***I want to start this off by saying that I know there are worse things in the world happening. This does not discredit those circumstances but just giving an insight into what happened in ours.***
We’ve never experienced anything like this before. We knew that with coaching came moving, instability, and a lot of unknowns. but we never prepared ourself for this kind of heartbreak.
Rewind to the beginning of February and we found out that our athletic director took a different job and would be leaving the program. Most of the other jobs in the world would mean that this is no big deal but in coaching it means your job isn’t safe anymore. At this point in time we felt like it was a great opportunity for H to apply for the open position and become the Athletic Director/Head Football Coach. We had been at the program for five years, he was going to begin his ninth season in August and we felt like the time was right.
He applied for the job, did some interviews, and got the call that he was not selected. We were devastated. Absolutely crushed. I could write an entire blog post dedicated to why he should of gotten the job, the support we had, and how bad the athletes wanted it for him but it wouldn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore. Our dream and what he had been working towards for the past five years was taken away. I wasn’t prepared for what happened next….
When H broke the news to me I was in class. I got my class covered and I immediately ran to my car, yelled, screamed, cussed, and sobbed. I wasn’t aware of the effect this process would have on me. I knew I would be upset but I didn’t know the extent. So two questions, why did I run to my car and why the emotions? Well first off, I am one to pop off and say something so my car was the safest place in that moment and two, there is nothing worse than knowing that there is not one single thing that you can do to take the pain away from your husband. I knew there was nothing I could do or say to give him that job.
I am giving you the really short version of the past month and a half but imagine someone just taking a knife and stabbing it into your back every time you walked into the building. I don’t know if that makes much sense but basically just when we thought we were about to be on the uphill climb something new would be told to us or something else happened that they said they weren’t going to do. I mean how much can one person take? Here are a few things I learned that no one tells you about:
- the rollercoaster of emotions: anger, happiness, frustration, sadness, devastation, confusion just to name a few. you might experience them all at one at a time or you experience them all three times each in one day.
- everyone says they understand but they really don’t EXCEPT those who are actually in the coaching world and the same thing has happened to them. now this is not to discredit anyone trying to be sympathetic it is just hard to be positive in such a devastating time and believe that everything will actually be okay
- the loneliness you feel. (see number two) again, no one understands the way you are feeling in that exact moment. they get to go on with their lives and yours just changed when you least expected it too. so you have to put on this happy face, show up to a job and the worst part, do what’s right.
- tension is magnified. with everyone. if I am being real honest, I pretty much hated everyone but my husband, my kids, and my dog. the jealousy of “everything always works out for everyone else” sinks in and starts to take control. I didn’t speak to many people because my hurt and anger took control.
- speaking of husband, not only was he just told “thanks, but no thanks” he still had to show up to work which meant he also had to run the show while the hiring process was still taking place. this starts to take a toll on him, our relationship, our family and it can be a slippery slope.
- you have to be the strong one while also taking care of yourself, your feelings and figuring out what’s next. like I mentioned above, there is nothing worse than feeling helpless when it comes to trying to fix the situation. I couldn’t do anything to fix it so I just tried to be the punching bag, the shoulder to cry on, or the ear to listen.
- peoples true colors will shine through. we have learned a lot throughout this process about who we thought people were and I mean this in a positive and negative way. we had the support of people we had never even spoken to but we also saw some things that we are glad we learned now.
I really wish I could sit here and break everything down for you and explain the entire situation but maybe in a few weeks we can come back to it. For now, just know that if you ever feel under appreciated then you probably are. His plan is always greater and everything will truly work out in the end.
I say this all the time but I don’t write this for empathy. I write this because I hope I can help just one person realize that bad things happen, its okay to have feelings but the real winner is the one who walks away on top and does what is right.
